Sorry I Skipped Your Baby Shower

Dear Friend,

Baby showers make my knees sweat.

It started about five years ago.

I used to adore them. I can still remember the first one I ever attended as a little girl with my mother in Tennessee. Women in beautiful dresses. Tiny sandwiches. Pink watermelon balls. Refreshing beverages.Beautiful ribbons and bows. Itty bitty bits of baby delights.

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And then I grew up and graduated college. Time passed and my friends started having babies. One. Then two. Some four.  First day of kindergarten pics turned into junior high. And more time passed. So I made new friends. Younger friends.

And now my news feed is filled with ultrasounds, baby bumps and adorable announcements like this one.

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How adorable is that?

And I love it. I’m so excited to meet these little people.

 I mean, how can you not love these  faces??

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I mean seriously. Bring on the babies!!

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I LOVE being an Aunty.

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But if I’m honest. Baby showers strike a chord deep within me that makes my womb ache.

It’s different from wedding showers. Wedding showers fill me with HOPE. Every new love story I hear reminds me that anything is possible and that Mr. Right could step off the plane tomorrow. (I live on an island)

Baby showers are trickier for me. Sitting there, trying to balance my refreshing beverage and plate of tiny sandwiches, I feel like a fraud. An imposter. It feels like I have nothing to bring to the party. Literally and figuratively. Your life is about to change in ways I will never understand. And I get that. I just don’t know how to fully relate to it.

I tend to leave these festive events feeling overwhelmed by how far behind I am compared to everyone else. With no hope in sight. Time is ticking and the clock might have run out. So when everyone starts doling out advice and telling their funny little stories, I will sit there and begin to do math. If I meet someone tomorrow and we date for two years…and then wait two years…and it all spirals downhill from there.

I mean, I was the girl who started dreaming of marriage and children straight out of the womb. Life didn’t quite go as planned. And as I told my dad after he read  Pushing Through the Lonelies (he was worried about his little girl),  87% of the time, I love my life.

But baby showers touch that part of my soul that is raw and disappointed. And I don’t want to bring that to your party. You deserve to be with women who can celebrate with you, wholeheartedly. And most days I can.

Here’s the crazy part. Please don’t stop inviting me. Because I want to come. And when I RSVP  yes on your adorable invitation, I have dreams of women in beautiful dresses. Tiny sandwiches. Pink watermelon balls. Refreshing beverages.Beautiful ribbons.  Itty bitty bits of baby delights.

It’s just if by chance I “get sick” or “something” comes up, please know that I love you very much and honestly couldn’t be more excited for you. It’s just, I’m having a little trouble being happy for me. And as lame as that is…it’s the truth.

So please forgive me…

And I’ll make it up to you in free babysitting….

Once they’re a toddler. (and I can no longer accidentally break them)

Love, Love, Love

The Girl Who Lives in My Head

 

21 comments

  1. Oh been there my friend! In a different way, through infertility. My message is, if it’s in the plan, it’s not a matter of IF but WHEN. And YOU will be the lucky momma.

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    1. It is so amazing to watch your journey with Andre through facebook. He’s just a doll and I’m so glad that he has you and Jarrod for parents. I think you guys have a beautiful story.

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  2. I don’t know if you remember me from YL days, but this post floated across my FB feed. I’ve never married but I still have hope for that (most days 😉 ). The baby thing, well, that’s tough because of the time pressure. I struggle to hold onto hope that I might still get to have kids, being 38 and not even in a relationship. So I get it. But hey, my great-grandmother had healthy babies at 44 and 48 so you never know! Thanks for your bravery – you’re not alone.

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  3. I didn’t know you were blogging! Such a beautiful and open letter…thank you for sharing your heart sweet friend! I look forward to more posts!!

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  4. I TOTALLY GET IT! I know exactly how you feel, except I felt that way about weddings. I would feel like that because I wasn’t having one. Once when a friend’s wedding was coming up, I ended getting chicken pox and couldn’t go! I was so happy to be sick and contagious! I had just went through a bad breakup and really couldn’t deal with it. So I understand!
    This was a GREAT POST, visually appealing with nice pics, and VERY WELL WRITTEN.

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    1. So glad I’m not the only one!! Weddings were really hard for me at one time bc I am divorced and felt like such a failure. I made peace with it though. I guess I should write about that too.

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  5. Thank you guys so much for the feedback. It’s affirming to hear that transparency is appealing as a reader. I attended this conference and felt like it was time to share an honest account of my journey. I’m really open in real life but I will admit, it’s a little different when you are just putting it out to the world. I’m not there to gauge reactions and cover over sympathy with “I’m fines” and “I’ve got a great life”. It’s actually way more vulnerable feeling than I expected. But it also makes me want to keep trying.

    “Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes”

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  6. Oh my goodness. How did I not know you have a blog? But now I know. And I love you.
    And you know all the sayings that could precede this beautiful real post. So I won’t repeat them. I’ll just say you are one of the most incredible women I know and I’m glad you’re still in my life even though continents and oceans separate us. xo

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  7. I’m sitting here unexpectedly crying into my coffee at 8am because I can relate. You may know that I had mine at 38, which feels like a total miracle, and I lost one also. But leading up to my life now, I did the same thing. Things “came up” all the time. I just wanted to say you are very brave for writing this! Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think that’s why I finally decided to blog for real. Because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way and I love the idea of giving people a voice. I read a book once about the “gift of going second”-how when you share really honestly about your struggles, you give people the chance to share theirs too. Thank you for taking the time to share with me:)

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Powerful story and very well written. I have never been to a baby shower. However, I do have a daughter that I raised on my own.

    I want to see more of your writing.

    Like

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