You know how they say wounds from a friend can be trusted? And by they, I mean the Bible. Not too long ago I had one of those hard but sweet but hard conversations with a dear friend of mine where I came face to face with a log in my eye. I asked for the information. I needed to hear the information. There were tears. But tears of healing, of gratefulness and relief. Because I had been praying for an answer.
Sometime before Christmas I began praying that God would humble me but not embarrass me. I have been going through a Beth Moore study on “Living Free” and she kept talking about pride. I figured if Wanda Beth struggles with it, I ought to ask God to show me areas of pride in my life. Well, He did. And He was faithful and did not embarrass me. He just used my friend to shine a light on the area where His next miracle in my life will occur. (Thank you Graham Cooke for that turn of phrase). I’m not quite ready to write about all of that yet because it’s still processing and the miracle is still in progress. BUT I was telling my friend Leeann about something related to that and she suggested I blog it. Actually she said “That’s your next blog!” and did her finger pointy thing for emphasis.
So here we go.
A week after the hard conversation, I was at church. Everything was still fresh on my mind… on repeat if I’m honest. It was time for the closing song and everyone was standing up singing. I started to mentally repent, once again, for this area that God had brought to light. Except it wasn’t the kind of confession that brings relief and light-hearted joy because it’s rooted in heavenly conviction. It was that yucky, shameful, I am bad kind of guilty thinking that comes from condemnation. Repentance led to anguish which led to shame then negative self talk. My insides were brewing. The worship leader started talking and I remember him saying, “With God, nothing, no suffering, no pain, no awkward moment (take that in for a moment) is wasted.” Well, for whatever reason, “no awkward moment” got me and I just sat down weeping.
And in that moment I felt the Lord speak to me. (When I say that, I mean, He laid an impression on my heart). I took out my journal and began to write what I was hearing.
“This smells so good to me. It’s part of the process. You are like a beautiful dish that is baking. All that cooking, all that heat…it’s part of the process. And it creates a beautiful aroma that I love to smell. You working out your faith, smells so good to me. Like Thanksgiving dinner coming together. Because I know the feast it is creating. I know the end result. You don’t. And that’s what makes it so fun to love you and watch you. I know what’s coming. And it is good. Don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. The recipe is good. The oven in necessary. The heat is temporary. It’s gonna be worth it. In Glory.”
As much as I HATE to admit it. I struggle with perfectionism in my walk with God. I want to be perfect. I want to get it right. I don’t want to make mistakes. This whole prayer, “Humble me but please don’t embarrass me” is bringing up some weird stuff to the Light. But it is good. He’s showing me stuff that has been buried for years that I had no idea was controlling me. In the most bizarre ways. But it is good. And He is safe.
So, that’s me in a nutshell.
Love, Love, Love
The Girl Who Lives in my Head.