Why Men Look at Porn

True Confession: I am not allowed to buy Girl Scout Cookies. Specifically Samoas. I have no self-control when they are around. And in less than a day, the ENTIRE box is gone. One here, two there, a row later…

I have a theory.

I think men think about sex the way women think about food.

About 19 thoughts per day according to recent study. Men and sex that is.

And God created both food and sex to be thoroughly enjoyed right? Within reasonable limits. They were both created to meet a need. That the creator of the Universe instilled in us. By design.

The problem starts when we use sex (or food) to cope.

And what’s even trickier is that the scriptures make it very clear that sexual issues wreak havoc on people’s internal lives. More than other issues. Because of how God designed it. Sex is so much more than an act. It’s a uniting. Of souls. One flesh and all that jazz.

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If you’ve ever eaten a row of Oreo’s after a bad day, you know that it really doesn’t have anything to do with the people around you. Yes. They may be driving you batty. But using food to find comfort probably started a long time ago.

  • Maybe growing up, food was used to celebrate. And comfort. And entertain.

  • Or somewhere along the line, when you made your own money (or allowance) you bought candy. Your siblings bought clothes. You bought sugar. You liked the taste. And how it made you feel.

  • Or perhaps you lived in a house where certain foods were denied, so you learned to sneak them.

Whatever happened, at some point in your journey, food became more than food. It became your friend. A place you could find solace. A moment’s peace in the middle of the storm. Or the crazy.

And now, even though you know it won’t solve your problems-you still go there for a few bites just so you don’t have to think about what’s really going on.

I recently made a new friend at the writers conference who told her teenage son,  “Dude, when you come across a woman eating ice-cream out of the carton, respect that moment. And slowly back away

 EatingIceCream

We laugh. Because we know it’s true.

And that is what it is like for men with porn.

It’s a coping method.

And it started long before he ever met you.

To not have to deal with his feelings. It’s an escape from life. Not from you.

And with it comes a cycle of shame that keeps him embroiled in a love/hate relationship that he knows, when he is radically honest with himself, is destroying him. From the inside out.

And just like a one doughnut escape can easily turn into a three doughnut escape-The longer he uses, the deeper it goes.

And left unchecked, it can go very, very dark.

The good and the bad of it is this.

There is nothing you can do to fix it. The issue.

Because it has nothing to do with you.

There’s no trick you can learn. Amount of weight you can lose. Outfit you can wear. Or scathing comment you can make.

That will make him stop.

Because it’s not your issue, It’s his.

And he is the one who has to see the problem. And he is the one who has to do the work. When he’s ready.

At its core, pornography and sexual addiction is not about sex. It’s about comfort. It’s about power. It’s about control. It’s something people use to cope to make it through their life. An escape.

Just like food.

Or shopping. Wine. Netflix. Chocolate. Exercise. Work. Pills. The list goes on and on.

When I told my mom I was writing this post, she asked me what made me an authority on the topic. I told her I’m not. But as someone whose life has been profoundly impacted by pornography, I have asked  a lot of questions. Of the men in my life. And they have been equally honest.

And I want people, who love people who are struggling,  to understand the real issue. Because when you make it about the sex, you miss the point. It’s a broken heart issue. That can only be healed by the Maker of the heart.

And I think when we equate it with food issues, it makes it easier to understand.

BUT Pornography and sexual addiction is  a different kind of animal. According to scripture. Science. Research.

And it’s a HUGE problem in our society-Especially among our children.

It wreaks major life altering havoc on people and those that love them. And yet it’s become common place. In media. In jokes. In homes. On phones.

It’s everywhere.

 

And we are becoming numb to it.

And that is just too dangerous for me to accept.

I will not go quietly.

While the enemy takes out the people I love, one broken heart at a time.

 

Love, Love, Love

The Girl Who Lives In My Head

Next week’s “Let’s Get Real” post: How to Not Eat Your Feelings.

 

Have you seen this? It is possible to break the shame cycle on any issue.

 

And here she is talking about how Shame is Lethal on Oprah of course. 

Click here if you or someone you love needs help with an addiction of any kind.

 

 

 

5 comments

  1. Great post. I have a family member that’s struggled with this and I never understood why, but the food aspect I do understand. Thanks for writing so honestly.

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  2. I agree with you that pornography like food is a comfort but both can become extremely dangerous coping strategies. I am a recovering bulimic I have had anorexia/bulimia since I was 8 years old. For me the comforting thing was getting rid of food, through vomiting or compulsive exercise. I am almost 7 years abstinent from bulimia now. But last Saturday I was feeling pretty miserable as I had no date or plans for Saturday night so I decided I would make myself feel better by having a very rare high fat meal. I have recovered from bulimia largely by reducing my intake of high sugar and high fat foods. The next day I went to a party and had my first bulimic binge for over 7 years and practically made myself sick. I felt terrible but it all started because I was trying to change my feelings with food the night before. I had really thought that my eating disorder was practically cured but it is not I need to remain vigilant about it.

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    1. Caroline,
      First of all, way to be brave and radically honest. That’s a win.

      My heart just sinks reading your post. Because I have been there. Knowing the defeat you might be feeling, the shame cycle you could enter and the heartache of perceived failure. I get it. I went through that when I quit smoking.

      I have had SO MANY friends who struggle with eating disorders. Both anorexia and bulimia. Exercise bulimia is such an accepted thing in our society. I myself have an unhealthy relationship with sugar, as you can tell by my post!! I went OA for a season when “I thought I was crazy”.

      7 years binge free is something to be proud of. REALLY. Celebrate that. That’s huge.

      And now, you know. There’s a new area that needs some healing. And the great news is, healing is available. You don’t have to fall into old patterns. You know all this I’m sure. But I just wanted to remind you. You don’t have to go back. A stumble is just a stumble. It doesn’t have to be a lifestyle.

      I’m gonna post next week on how I journal things out so I don’t eat my feelings. I hope it will help as well.

      I’d love to keep talking.

      Thank you so much for sharing.

      Love, Leslie

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