Last summer, I felt like the Lord asked me to give up romance.
For those of you who are still getting to know me, this was a hard ask.
I am a champion of love!!
I love all things romance.
And may or may not have a matchmaker sash to prove it.
I have whiled away many hours reading yummy Christian fiction. And teen fiction. And tween fiction. And chick-lit. Love stories. They are like candy to me. I don’t read tragedies. Life is hard enough. I want to be swept away.
I heart meet/cutes. Of any kind. Of all kinds. They lived happily ever after, yes please!
I may or may not plan my holiday social life around Hallmark Christmas movies. Oooo, your Christmas party is on the 13th at 6pm? Let me check my calendar.
Seriously. Hallmark movies are pretty much why I heart Christmas. I mean, besides Jesus’ birth. And time with the family. And the food.
So of course when I heard the Lord ask me to give it up for a year, I wanted to make sure it was Him and not me talking.
It started with a random thought while driving down the road. It went a little something like this…
You should give up romance for a year.Nope. Turns up T. Swift on the radio.
A few days later…
No really. I think there is something to that idea of quitting romance. Just give up the music and movies for one year. What’s the worst that could happen?
The worst that could happen!?! Some amazing guy would move to Maui and I would miss him because I’ve given up romance. Turns up Blake Shelton on the radio.
Sometime after that I wrote this in my journal.
Papa G-Help me to trust you. My heart is so full, so happy, so pleased. And yet, I don’t understand why I haven’t met my counterpart. I see the picture dimly. And I make up all sorts of wrong conclusions. It’s painful to me. My heart. My confidence. Our relationship. What is the Truth? Why am I still alone? Is there something broken in me that needs to be fixed or is it just a timing issue. I see this whole thing imperfectly. Would you speak to my soul and answer my heart’s most intimate question? If it is because I’m broken-will you please fix me? Mend me. Make me whole. I know that you are the God who sees me. I lay down this desire at your cross once again and choose to trust you and wait patiently for you.
After seeing my heart in writing, I realized that it was time to obey.
And give up romance.
And movies for a year.
It hasn’t been as hard as I imagined*.
And the results have been incredible.
Because the desire to be married no longer consumes me.
There have been (many) seasons where I been 100% content with being single. And there have been (many) seasons where I have not. Been content.
And when I am not content it is not pretty. Every time my brain is not occupied. When it at rest. When I’m driving. Or laying down to sleep. The desire to be married becomes my focus.
Or worse. The reasons why I must not be marriage material become my obsession. Focus.
It steals my joy.
And binds my soul.
To the wanting.
And I know God sees this. And wants so much more for me.
So He whispered the solution. Give up romance. So I did.
My friend Kimberly is always talking about idols.
And the Southern girl in my wants to scream. Because I heard idolatry pounded from the pulpit.
But usually she is right. And she is lovingly trying to bring something to my attention. That is not serving me well.
Matt Chandler says it this way:
And that’s what the desire to be married had become. An ultimate thing. And knowing my track history, that’s a really dangerous place to be.
Now, I know some of you might be thinking…if it is an issue, why not kill it off? That desire.
It would definitely be easier. SO MUCH EASIER. To make the choice. To kill off desire.
To just decide, I’m not going to get married. I choose singleness. Done. And just live from there.
Because in essence…desire brings pain. So kill desire, kill pain. Right?
Oh wait. That’s Buddhism.
And I don’t think that is what God wants me to do. Kill my heart off.
Instead, He’s asking me to give up control. By surrendering. All my desires.
And to trust Him with them. All of them.
And wait. On His timing.
It is much harder to choose hope. Than to kill desire.
It actually takes great faith.
So He whispered a solution.
Make me the Supreme Romance of your life. Desire me. My love. My heart. My attention. My affection.
Only that’s not what He said. Because I wouldn’t have understood what He meant.
But when He asked me to lay aside what I thought was romance,
He filled in the gaps.
And set my heart on fire.
For Him. And Him alone.
And when my mind is at rest, I’m no longer obsessing.
I’m living. A beautiful story. That He is writing.
With an open hand and surrendered heart.
At least for today.
Love, Love, Love,
The Girl Who Lives in My Head
P.S. I am in no way advocating anyone giving up romance or anything of the sort. This is my issue. My journey.
P.S.S. In an effort at full disclosure, I have had a lapse or two in the movie department. When I was with my parents at Christmas. And maybe that one time in February. Around Valentines Day.