My dear friend from high school, Mary Kay, flew over to Maui for the night. She and her hubby have been in the islands celebrating 15 years of marriage. She took the time to get on a plane, rent a car and drive to see me. It was not an easy “I’m just passing through” kind of visit. It took effort and intention.
Now MK and I have not seen each other since sophomore year of college. Christmas cards and an occasional Facebook message have been our only touch points for the past 18 years.
And yet from the moment she knocked on my door, it was as if nothing had changed.
We picked up from where we left off and continued the conversation of our souls.
It was so sweet. So life giving. And refreshing.
She and her husband, Danny, are living a beautiful life of intention. They have made their home in the inner-city with a community of like mind believers, who don’t want to just talk about change but actually do the work that is required to bring it about. Which is really, really hard. And messy. And painful at times. But so worth while. And they are doing it well. Hand in hand with the Father. And each other.
What I loved about our time was there was no pretension. We got raw and real and vulnerable. Because as amazing as life is-no one leaves this world unscathed. And living a life of intention is painful. And takes work. And battling our demons. But I also believe it is what sets us free to experience the abundant life that Jesus promises. Life to the full, comes from emptying ourselves. And being willing to be broken and poured out. Finding that balance of intimacy and service.
I’m so grateful for good friends. Unexpected moments. And deep connection.
It makes me look forward to Heaven all the more.
Love, Love, Love,
The Girl Who Lives In My Head
*P.S. Thankfully we live in a world where the are a lot of bests. Because I also just had the best week at Woodleaf, a Young Life camp in California. But that is not what this post is about.
I’m laying on my sofa, “recovering” from ACL surgery and reminiscing.
Indulge me, if you will.
Last Summer, I fell in love. It was totally unexpected. I wasn’t looking for it. It just happened out of the blue. People had warned me it might happen. And they were totally right.
I fell in love with Prague.
If Rome is like lasagna, with layers and layers of history built on top of each other, then Prague is like an onion, sliced in half.
Where buildings from different centuries stand side by side. Telling their stories.
And it is stunning.
Charles Bridge morning
Not only because of it’s beauty.
But also because of it’s history.
The people. Their story. Of Freedom. And Oppression. And what it means to stand up for what you believe. And be martyred for it.
I went to visit my friends Marek, Cori and Te’a.
They are Christ followers who moved back to Marek’s homeland to help grow a church. Talk about kind, generous and welcoming. I had such a marvelous time visiting with them.
Now, I’m a huge history buff and love to take tours to learn all about what I am seeing. In Rome, Heidi and I hit up every tour imaginable. We learned all about the buildings and the history of the city. I totally geeked out.
Prague, was different. Instead of learning the history of the city, I got to hear her heart. We didn’t take any tours.* We just walked the city. Saw her sights. And as we walked, Marek shared the story of his people. And I fell in love.
Like any powerful story, there are multiple narratives that are woven together as the story unfolds. During my time with the Tyls, there were two plot lines that really moved me about the Czech people.
The Bread and the Wine.
I grew up in the South and my church history is spotty at best. The whole Armenian vs tulip thing is new to me. (For the record it is Arminianism but I just learned how to spell it during this post). So when I got hired to teach Ancient Civilizations which includes the Middle Ages and the Protestant Reformation, I had to do a little tons of research to bring me up to speed.
I learned about the struggle for power between the Church and Kings. And how corrupt everything had become. How the Black Death leveled the playing ground, eliminating the feudal system and began shifting the power back to the people. I learned about Martin Luther and his contribution to the Reformation. And how the printing press gave the people access to the Word of God which allowed them to read God’s story for themselves. How the hymns were designed to teach theology, not neccesarily worship.
But one name I skipped over in my research was this guy. Jan Huss.
He is credited with being one of the first reformers. He lived 1oo years before Martin Luther guys. According to Marek (and history), he was a Czech priest who questioned the corruption of the church. If you have ever watched “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”and wondered, “What the heck?!?” about the priest…so did Jan Huss. And he was very verbal about his concerns. He stood up and spoke out against many things.
One of his big issues had to do with communion and the cup. Or the blood to be more specific.
At that time in church history, only the priests could participate in the drinking of the cup during communion. The people could have the bread and remember. But not they could not drink the wine. He was deeply bothered by this because the teaching of the Church contradicted the teaching of Christ. He felt all adult believers should have access to the Body and the Blood as they remembered what Christ has done for them on the Cross. Not just the elite.
So the Church invited him to Rome to discuss his concerns. And burned him at the stake for his convictions. Enter the Hussites. Those convictions led to war, reformation, opression and freedom.
I wish Lin Manuel Miranda would set the their story to music.
One of my most treasured moments during my time in Prague was sitting at a church service, watching a line of Czech believers share communion, where both the Body and the Blood were accessible to all. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me it was a Holy moment. This is the church the Tyls are helping grow. Ta Cesta.
According to a recent poll, only 19% of the Czech people believe there is a God.
That is why my friends moved home. To share the life and freedom that is found in a restored relationship with the Creator of the Universe.
Free from religion. And rules. And corruption.
Rich in connection. Meaning. And purpose.
Ok. My knee is starting to throb. I’ll share the second part of the story tomorrow.
Love, Love, Love,
The Girl Who Lives in My Head
*This is a lie. We did tour one castle. Where the guide spoke in Czech. Cori and I acted like ugly Americans by taking photos on the sly. Even though we didn’t pay for the privilege. We may or may not have embarrassed Marek with our antics.
Here is one of our contraband photos. I have no clue it’s signifigance. Only that I took it while hiding my phone from a very stern.
I can smell it in the air. I can see it in the sunsets. I can feel it in my bones.
As a teacher, the last few weeks of school carry a very special energy. Students and teachers alike are little extra squirrelly.
And I love it. I love the anticipation. Of something new. Something special. Something different.
Since my students are quickly changing from sweet little sixth graders into sassy seventh graders, I like to change things up to keep them on their toes.
So every Monday for the last four weeks of school, we head to the garden.
Our school has a partnership with an organization called “Grow Some Good.” A wonderful lady named Tricia comes and teaches our students all about the garden.
For social studies, we look at the Ancient Hawaiians. We learn about the plants that are native to Maui as well as the ones that were brought over on canoes by the first two-way voyagers. We also plant based on the Hawaiian Moon Calendar which is an incredible tool for any gardeners or fisherfolk out there.
Fascinating things I have learned in the garden so far…
Comfrey and Lemon Grass are amazing!! Their roots stretch out up to 35 feet in search of nutrients they need. So if you plant them in your garden, they will seek out what is missing from the soil and bring it up into their leaves. Then, you can mulch the leaves of the comfrey/lemongrass around your garden. And BOOM, the missing nutrients get added to your soil.
Monkey Pod beans make great fertilizer. They add nitrogen to the soil. So rake ’em up and spread ’em out. You can also use cardboard to kill weeds. Doesn’t look very pretty but gets the job done. Apparently worms love it. And make all kinds of natural fertilizer as they break it down.
The Crown Plant is what Monarch butterflies eat. So if you want to see caterpillars and attract butterflies to your yard, this is a wonderful addition to your garden.They eat the leaves. And the flowers make lovely leis.
So that’s what I’ve been up to lately. Well, that and grading. And teaching. And planning. Oh and that nasty bout with the Black Plague. But the end is in sight.
When I was a little girl….and well into college, I used to pray that my life would not be normal. From an early age I wanted to serve God in a grand way.
Of course, I assumed that would include marriage and a family. Duh.
Growing up, there were always a handful of “older” single women in my life. I remember them as fun and dynamic. They were involved in ministry and poured into my life in some form or fashion. That’s why I knew them. And loved them. But as much as I admired them, I did not want to be one of them.
I always thought marriage and a family was a given in life. Until it was not.
The other day I was in Target, walking down the aisles.
About life. God’s plans. My plans.
And in a moment of clarity, I realized I AM THAT GIRL!!!
I am the “older” single woman.
Who is fun and dynamic. Involved in ministry. Who still dreams of marriage but has accepted that it might not be in the cards. At least at this point in life. Who is going for it. Regardless. Living life to the full. No matter the season.
And the truth is… I really like being that girl. Her life is pretty great.
What I judged in my youth, is actually a gift.
Getting ready this morning, I had a bit of a hangover. A vulnerability one. Because when I wrote about my year without romance, I opened up my heart a bit too much. I feel like I showed my guts to the world. And they spilled out a little.
Because I’m 38 years old. A grown woman.
Friends my age are navigating life with teenagers. Mortgages. College funds and daycare. Parents who are sick. Possibly dying.
And my deepest struggled is still boys??? Are you kidding me???
But it is. I could lie and pretend it isn’t. But then I would be keeping a secret. And living from a lie. And lies destroy us. And then we eat our feelings. Or worse.
And I don’t think I am alone in this.
When I think about the people I care about, I think there are plenty like me.
Who are living lives they never imagined. Or judged in their youth.
Maybe you are one of us. Maybe you are the mom where your life and family look like a crazy hot mess busy. And you always swore your kids would not act like that in a grocery store. Until they did. All the time. And maybe you realized life isn’t about being the perfect mom. It’s about being available. And messy. And it’s beautiful.
Or maybe you are that career gal. Sex in the City style. Or suburbs. Who is working her way up the ranks. You’re a leader. Shaping the future. Of a company. Of a planet. Of a generation. Getting to invest in people. Earning enough to give in ways you never imagined. You own your own home. You travel when you want. You do what you want. God is allowing you to use your gifts and talents and you are a person of influence. And while it wasn’t the life you dreamed of, it’s actually pretty great.
Or maybe you are that married lady. (Or single woman) Who is amazing. Whose life is blessed and beautiful. Whose relationships are fulfilling and job is awesome.
You long for babies. And it creates an ache deep inside that won’t be silenced. That cries out to God. Over and Over. And over again. You have done everything you can. To make the dream come true. And then later, silence the cries. But it won’t work. The longing won’t fade. And so you live your life. Full and amazing. To the best of your ability. Trusting God is writing your story. All the while, hoping and praying. That maybe one day. You’ll get to see a flutter of a heartbeat grow to maturity. And you have learned to live with the pain, Maybe it has actually become a place of ministry. Of healing. Of hope for others. And even though you would you trade it all in tomorrow, you see God’s hand. And know that He is with you on the journey.
I think in some way, we are all “that girl.” The one living someone else’s life. Dreaming of a different one.
I just finished a book called “Looking for Lovely” by Annie Downs. It’s all about how she looks for God in everyday moments. To see and acknowledge His hand. In her life. If there are any chubby girls in the house-this book could be our manifesto. If you want to see your inner most thoughts on paper, she spills her guts in the first few chapters. To set up the story.
Brene Brown calls it Daring Greatly. A life of gratitude. Leads to wholehearted living.
Ann Voskamp wrote 1000 Gifts. Same idea. Finding joy by being thankful.Seeing the gifts amidst the pain.
If you are reading this and think you might be “that girl.” The one you loved but didn’t want to be. Or judged and prayed you never would become.
Take a moment and find the lovely. The beauty. Be thankful for the good. Find the joy.
Because our God is good. He writes beautiful stories. With plot twists. Climax. And denouement.
You might just be in the middle of a really powerful tale of God’s love and redemption. That seems to be His favorite theme.
Last summer, I felt like the Lord asked me to give up romance.
For those of you who are still getting to know me, this was a hard ask.
I am a champion of love!!
I love all things romance.
And may or may not have a matchmaker sash to prove it.
I have whiled away many hours reading yummy Christian fiction. And teen fiction. And tween fiction. And chick-lit. Love stories. They are like candy to me. I don’t read tragedies. Life is hard enough. I want to be swept away.
I heart meet/cutes. Of any kind. Of all kinds. They lived happily ever after, yes please!
I may or may not plan my holiday social life around Hallmark Christmas movies. Oooo, your Christmas party is on the 13th at 6pm? Let me check my calendar.
Seriously. Hallmark movies are pretty much why I heart Christmas. I mean, besides Jesus’ birth. And time with the family. And the food.
So of course when I heard the Lord ask me to give it up for a year, I wanted to make sure it was Him and not me talking.
It started with a random thought while driving down the road. It went a little something like this…
You should give up romance for a year.Nope. Turns up T. Swift on the radio.
A few days later…
No really. I think there is something to that idea of quitting romance. Just give up the music and movies for one year. What’s the worst that could happen?
The worst that could happen!?! Some amazing guy would move to Maui and I would miss him because I’ve given up romance. Turns up Blake Shelton on the radio.
Sometime after that I wrote this in my journal.
Papa G-Help me to trust you. My heart is so full, so happy, so pleased. And yet, I don’t understand why I haven’t met my counterpart. I see the picture dimly. And I make up all sorts of wrong conclusions. It’s painful to me. My heart. My confidence. Our relationship. What is the Truth? Why am I still alone? Is there something broken in me that needs to be fixed or is it just a timing issue. I see this whole thing imperfectly. Would you speak to my soul and answer my heart’s most intimate question? If it is because I’m broken-will you please fix me? Mend me. Make me whole. I know that you are the God who sees me. I lay down this desire at your cross once again and choose to trust you and wait patiently for you.
After seeing my heart in writing, I realized that it was time to obey.
And give up romance.
And movies for a year.
It hasn’t been as hard as I imagined*.
And the results have been incredible.
Because the desire to be married no longer consumes me.
There have been (many) seasons where I been 100% content with being single. And there have been (many) seasons where I have not. Been content.
And when I am not content it is not pretty. Every time my brain is not occupied. When it at rest. When I’m driving. Or laying down to sleep. The desire to be married becomes my focus.
Or worse. The reasons why I must not be marriage material become my obsession. Focus.
It steals my joy.
And binds my soul.
To the wanting.
And I know God sees this. And wants so much more for me.
So He whispered the solution. Give up romance. So I did.
My friend Kimberly is always talking about idols.
And the Southern girl in my wants to scream. Because I heard idolatry pounded from the pulpit.
But usually she is right. And she is lovingly trying to bring something to my attention. That is not serving me well.
Matt Chandler says it this way:
And that’s what the desire to be married had become. An ultimate thing. And knowing my track history, that’s a really dangerous place to be.
Now, I know some of you might be thinking…if it is an issue, why not kill it off? That desire.
It would definitely be easier. SO MUCH EASIER. To make the choice. To kill off desire.
To just decide, I’m not going to get married. I choose singleness. Done. And just live from there.
Because in essence…desire brings pain. So kill desire, kill pain. Right?
Oh wait. That’s Buddhism.
And I don’t think that is what God wants me to do. Kill my heart off.
Instead, He’s asking me to give up control. By surrendering. All my desires.
And to trust Him with them. All of them.
And wait. On His timing.
It is much harder to choose hope. Than to kill desire.
It actually takes great faith.
So He whispered a solution.
Make me the Supreme Romance of your life. Desire me. My love. My heart. My attention. My affection.
Only that’s not what He said. Because I wouldn’t have understood what He meant.
But when He asked me to lay aside what I thought was romance,
He filled in the gaps.
And set my heart on fire.
For Him. And Him alone.
And when my mind is at rest, I’m no longer obsessing.
I’m living. A beautiful story. That He is writing.
With an open hand and surrendered heart.
At least for today.
Love, Love, Love,
The Girl Who Lives in My Head
P.S. I am in no way advocating anyone giving up romance or anything of the sort. This is my issue. My journey.
P.S.S. In an effort at full disclosure, I have had a lapse or two in the movie department. When I was with my parents at Christmas. And maybe that one time in February. Around Valentines Day.
We have already established that I love books. Sometimes, and by sometimes I mean mostly, I love to read mindless fiction so that I can escape reality. I call it candy. I love real candy and book candy.
These books are not candy.
These books are fresh fruit. With incredible benefits for your soul. They are designed to heal. To uproot lies and replace them with Truth.
My friend Sandy loved Proverbs 25:11.
I can still hear her voice sparkling with delight as she read it from her Amplified Bible.
Imagine a beautiful silver bowl filled with luscious fruit.
Or basket after green basket of fresh ripe berries.
Here are five books that were a well-spoken word in the right season.
This book changed the way I saw God. And my understanding of how God sees me. It is an allegory of creation. All the way to the Cross. And beyond. If you have ever struggled with the whole “Bride of Christ” concept. Read this. Yesterday.
Here what the back of the book says, “A breathtakingly beautiful saga spanning from eternity to eternity, presented from the view of angels. Experience creation, the crucifixion, and the resurrection from this unique viewpoint, and gain a better understanding of the majestic love of God. Gene Edwards’s classic tale is the greatest love story ever told.”
Larry Crabb say that in everyone’s life, some dream will shatter. Something you thought you could count on won’t come through. No one leaves this world unscathed. And whether you believe God allowed it or ordained it, He could have prevented it. And you have to make peace with that God*. That is what the last eight years of my life have been about. Making peace with a God whose plans are different than mine.
I read this book when I hated everything about my life. Especially my job. It gave me hope. And the courage to make a change. What really helped were the exercises at the back of the book that help you rediscover what you really love. And what you were made to do. It’s what led me to teaching. And back to Young Life. It was also only $.99 on Kindle at the time of this post. Click the title to grab it.
Brene Brown. Is. Rocking. My. World. It is why I talk about her here. And here. She is a researcher who decided to study shame. And made a startling observation. People who live wholeheartedly embrace vulnerability. The rest of us do three things to avoid it.
Numb it out.
Perfect it out.
Or in my case, forbode it out.
I rehearse tragedy so I don’t feel pain. Meaning, I have spent most of my life running worse case scenario’s so when things don’t pan out, I’m not devastated.
But her discovery, you can’t feel true joy without feeling vulnerable.
She explains it so much better. Trust me. So worth the read.
Jesus Calling is my jam. I read it every day along with My Utmost For His Highest. It’s a daily reading written as if God is speaking to you. Not everyone is a fan. Fair enough. But I am. God uses it all the time to speak to me, encourage me and reaffirm His incredible love for me. If you decide to give it a whirl, I love the large print edition because it was the scriptures written out on the bottom. And there’s room to journal. Unofficially.
What is a book that changed your life?
Or brought a well-spoken word in season?
I’m always looking for something new to read.
Love, Love, Love,
The Girl Who Lives in My Head
P.S. This book is wrecking me right now. I’ve just started and already cried twice.